For all the enormously kind messages, comments & emails. I didn't mean to leave the preceding post up this long, and now I'm feeling all maudlin and insufferable, like I should be posing for a Parade Magazine cover on facing adversity. And who needs that? I won't bring all this up again unless I need a cheap excuse, like, "this cartoon would've been funnier but, ow, my Parkinson's."
I have to go to San Diego today for 5 days of sensory overload. If I can figure out how, I'll post something from there. We'll see.
And I owe many of you emails, or worse, which are forthcoming. Meantime, if anybody's got any good jokes please leave them in the comments.
... Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either.Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds.
She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman".
"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?".
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease"
I really like your twitter background! Enjoy the sensory overload in San Diego!
ReplyDeleteA penguin (NOT Punk) drives his car to the mechanic. He tells the mechanic the car is smoking a lot, but doesn't know why.
ReplyDeleteThe mechanic say he'll be able to diagnose the problem while the penguin waits.
The penguin says he'll wait across the street at the ice cream parlor. He goes over and orders a vanilla cone.
Being a penguin, and not having hands, he makes a mess of the cone, and get the ice cream all over his face and shirt.
When the penguin returned to the garage, the mechanic looks out from under the hood and says,
'looks like you've blown a seal.'
"No, it's ice cream, I swear!' says the penguin.
have a fish taco for me and enjoy SD
ReplyDeleteHave some fun too, San Diego is a lovely city...
ReplyDeleteA man moves into a nudist colony, without telling his extremely conservative mother what it is. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.
ReplyDeleteToo embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a picture in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidently sends the bottom half.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads, "Thank you for the picture. I think it is very nice and it is hanging on my wall as I write this, but I reckon you should change your hairstyle -- it makes your nose look too long."
Hat-tip to Emo Phillips for this one:
ReplyDeleteOnce I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
What's brown and sticky?
ReplyDeleteA STICK
it never fails.